Monday, June 6, 2011

Pilat-ease? Puh-lease.

Let me lead off by declaring a sad fact: 12 years of college (with a brief interlude) has had one particularly repugnant repercussion...Student Karen is a veritable master-mind when it comes to skipping class. Seriously, FAR too polished in this venue. Sluffer extraordinaire. The ditching queen. We're talking 9-peat All-time Hookie Pro-bowler, peeps. It ain't healthy, fo sho. The sad part is, with the slick gift o' BSing (I am the shiznit...truly), nobody even really notices the absences...which leads to more honing of said skill. As stated before, no bueno.


This brings us to the most recent expedition to a new class, ne'er before tested in the waters o' Karen.........Pilates. Oh. Oh my. Oh, dear heaven above. Turns out, there is a REASON Gym Karen has valiantly dodged such a class for so long, by jingo. (ala TMMillie...y'all are doin the Tapioca now aren't ya?) In ever-so sharp contrast to the above scenario, EVERYONE in that class was ENTIRELY aware of my presence (ugh)...and wholeheartedly entertained as well.

A brief foray for you...

Characters: teacher (totally ripped, -1 to 0% body fat, roughly the size of Karen's thigh); otra classmates (various shapes and sizes, but all more skilled than Karen); Exercise Karen (half-dead, utterly befuddled, and sophisticatedly disheveled) (ya like that?)

Scene: quarantined room in the gym, lights out (thankfully); Exercise Karen is situated in the FRONT of the classroom, at the behest of the teacher, she being certain that all others would be too focused on their own workout to watch me. (Liar.)

Annnnnnnndddd ACTION...

As the class progresses, all are supposed to be roughly somewhere in the middle of Point A and Point B below... (which is a blankity-blankin-lot harder than it looks)

Exercise Karen has already successfully achieved "pile o' goo" muscle-status, but in an effort not to give away her record-breaking wussiness, she prolongs the farce and proceeds from A on her way to B... Precisely (whatever) 10 degrees into the motion, catastrophic failure occurs, thereby disengaging all leg muscles in use. The only working force left in the universe takes over: gravity.

Yup. Right there, in the front of the class, my legs flail outward (odd), while the ball does what? BOUNCES RIGHT ONTO MY FACE! Oh ya. OOOOHHHHH ya. Have you seen Kung Fu Panda?!? You know at the end when the Panda and the Leopard-thing are bouncing down the stairs and they slow-mo the panda's keister on the leopard's face? THAT was me. I think I may have even let out some kind of unearthly noise to boot. To be honest, I laughed right along with the others as I trotted across the room to retrieve my rogue ball. It had to be pretty dang funny.

Awesome. Sheer awesomeness. It was like...the epitome of "B-awesome"ness. I swear. Oh holy moly.

--End scene--

And thus we see (hee hee) that Gym Karen MUST exercise (no pun intended...liar) mucho more caution when picking which gym class to attend...either that or start charging Gold's an entertainer's fee. Oooooh... I wonder if they have a green room...

(We'd like to thank our sponsors: Thoroughly Modern Millie, Kung Fu Panda, and Bolt...oh, and the lovely people who put such applicable photos on the web.)


  1. Karen, thanks for helping me to laugh hysterically at work :) Love you.

  2. Oh Karen, you make me so happy. I am also one to entertain at the gym, hence, I ALWAYS stick to the back row. ALWAYS. Teachers can kiss it if they want me closer to the front.

  3. I once took a pilates class with a skinny friend because she didn't want to go alone. It was... exactly as you have described. With the insanely perky teacher saying obnoxious things like "Doesn't that feel yummy?"

    No, cow. It feels like hell. I don't HAVE those muscles! I'm even pretty sure I wrote a blog about it too...

  4. HAHHAAHAHAHA. "No, cow. It feels like..." Dude, I laughed REALLY loudly at that one. HAHAHAHAAH.

  5. Thanks for the humor this afternoon! You are too funny!!

  6. Thanks for the laugh. I was laughing so hard that my 2 year old kept asking me "What so funny?" Better luck next class.

  7. hahahaha you seriously kill me!

  8. You've convinced me. If the thought ever crosses my mind that I might like to try pilates I will read this post and be humorously reminded one of the many reasons that that might not be such a good idea. Thanks for sharing!

  9. Haha, That is enough motivation for me to exercise at home.

  10. You may suck at Pilates, but gurrrl, your colloquial lingo is BOMB!

  11. Hahahahahaah. I love you people. You make me feel so awesome! :)

  12. This reminds me of a similar experience I had whilst in PiYo recently. I totally did a face plant doing that yoga pose that involves crouching down and balancing your elbows on your knees and then lifting your feet. You know that one? Anyway, totally biffed it. Like makeup smeared on the mat and bruised eyebrow. Full room. Me. Front row. Oh yeah. That was beautiful.

  13. Rock on, Wend!!! Bruised eyebrow?! Wow. Once upon a time I was in a class that tried to make me do that pose...I cackled out loud at the teacher and sat my lazy/uncoordinated kiester down on the mat to wait for the next event.