Fab Foto: gold medal sleddin...

Sledding down a hill is for amateurs. We, when there is enough snow on the ground, ramp up the fun by tying multiple saucers to the digger, while dad cruises around the snow covered field at 40 mph, flipping figure 8s that feel like donuts as we hold on for dear life. It. Is. Awesome. E, as we'll call him, likes to put you in the ruts, ditches, or whatever else might prove hilarious, as he goes along. Friends, this was no exception.

Let me 'splain...

For those of you not yet howling with laughter at the sight (or the memory), let me break it down for you:

1. The wiggly orange shreds in the foreground are actually the busted twine connection, having just snapped under the pressure
2. On the right, the under-side of the electric green saucer, mostly obscured by the speed-induced cloud of spraying snow
3. On the left, my head. In the snow. Speed upon impact: 80 bajillion mph.
   

Pretty sure I had snow in my brain after that one. As I recall, I was howling along stuck in one of the mid-field irrigation ditches grunting aloud with every speed bump. Suddenly, E thought he'd be funny and flipped a U-y, without slowing down. Naturally, as any former crack-the-whip master knows, the person on the outside catches the brunt. Well, that's me. Catching the brutal centripetal force. With my face.

The kids laughed raucously. I think R laughed so hard she nearly fell out the back of the tractor after snapping this action beauty. I even caught dad giggling his kiester off once I finally came up for air.

Yowza. Good times. As you can see by the picture at the right, my face recovered from the snow-burn nicley. :) jk

(This was a few years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday.)

Beautiful things make me happy...

Once upon a time, I got a great gift from my mom and sisters for my birthday: my Christmas tree. During our trip to Hobby Lobby, I wasn't quite sure what I wanted...classic Christmas colors? Trendier? What to do?

While I sat in an conundrum, my sister R started gathering choices, opening them, AND DECORATING THE EMPTY DISPLAY TREES so that I could really see and decide. It was hilarious, but it worked! I fell in love with the one that matched my living room: green, blue, and brown. I've had it now for three years, but this year I finally remembered to take pictures AND I have a place to put them! So, enjoy!!

Below are some highlights...

My beautiful tree:

This beauty was actually found by my sister L,
she was mocking me...I loved it:

This was actually an accident
(clicked while the camera was facing the floor), but I like it:

This garland could not be more me.
It is chartreuse and GORGEOUS:

This one is my 2nd favorite, the two-tone green is SO fabulous:

These shattered light blue glass ones are STUNNING.
Pretty sure they weren't meant to be ornaments,
but we couldn't pass them up.
They just perch nicely in the branches:

The blue snowflakes are AMAZING:

This photo is jammed. It shows off the lovely blue teardrop
ones with silver sparkles, the lighter brown ones,
and the darker brown decorative picks:

Love love LOVE the dark brown sparkly/beady ones:
Every time I look at these little green filler ones I'm reminded
of the crab apples from Grandpa G's tree.
Also, check the awesome dark brown stripey ones:

THE KICKER
My sister K came around the corner where we were
decorating and said, "I found the perfect thing, but
I'm not sure it really goes..." She showed my mom
(the final decision maker), who said, "She HAS to have
those." Yes, your eyes don't deceive you. Those are, in fact,
sparkly football ornaments on my stankin' awesome tree:

True to form, the presents match the tree (mom's fault):

NEW this year, I was given a big ol' tree shaped jello
mold recently. I have no conceivable need for that
much jello, so I decided to be crafty...
I put some extra decorations in it! Love it:

Lest you worry about the random color combo,
it matches the room beautifully (check the rug):

Hooray for stunning gifts from wonderful people!

Rattus Gymicus...the She-gog!

**If you are happily operating under the impression that the author of this blog is without a mean streak, we strongly suggest you scroll down to the pretty blankie instead of reading on...**

Few occasions in life actually spur the instantaneous frothing of a blog post while in the midst of the actual experience, but tonight...friends, tonight was one big huge freakin' exception! Truly, there came a time on this eve when I feared that my head was in danger of exploding, much like Chandler when his hastily chosen resolution causes him to exclaim, "Must MOCK SOMETHING!!!!"

For some time now, a few close friends have awaited a coming post entitled "Rattus Gymicus" (an exposé on how gyms in Utah tend to resemble bars outside of the bubble). Just as Rattus Norvegicus started the Plague (thank you Rachel Greene), I am afeared a similar pandemic has begun to infest our beloved P-town. Many a trip to the gym affords oodles of blog fodder about scantily-clad, mini floozy-ditzes who are undeniably feigning interest in the gym furnishings. Rather, their all-too-obvious sites are set on the flexing lats, biceps, and glutes galore...all lain as cheesy traps for said Gym Rats (pun completely intended) who repeatedly snatch glimpses of their reflections as they prance past mirror after mirror. Careful there, honey. I'm currently suppressing the urge to shot-put this 5-0 right into your dangly Claire's earrings, sweet cheeks. Alas, I digress...

The usual attendees of Aquacardio on Wednesday nights are just as you might imagine. Accompanying hot tub, sauna, and steam room keep the place crawling with "the best" Provo has to offer (scary), but tonight SHE took my interpretation of Gym Rat to inexplicable heights. As she scampered into the room, the ensuing deafening silence stopped even the lap-swimmers in their tracks...I mean...wake. I am quite certain that no female mammal should be allowed to "scamper" in a string bikini...

As the night played out, I quickly dubbed her the Aragog of Gym Rats, as I'm certain the sheer magnitude (and level of fear instilled) is comparable to that experienced by Harry and Ron. Yes, folks, medically overenlarged-ness in size A fabric clippings...DOING AQUACARDIO. Oh-Ma-Ha! (a clever ingeniosity from Miss J, employing the ever-entertaining 'voice-the-acronym' option, much like "Fuh-HEee" for FHE) As she entered the pool she shouted a warning to the rest of us, "These bottoms are too big, so they may just come off. Watch out." Um...I tried not to become lost in the relative anatomic impossibility of that mess as the class began. The teacher actually eventually offered to tie her top tighter for her, but had to enlist the help of four other ladies to contain those flotation devices. Seriously! I blew off snippets of the pressure during the next hour by muttering "OH-MA-HA" to myself while everything male within a 10 mile radius suffered unending paralysis of the eyeballs as though they could all hear the same indistinguishable voice repeatedly yelling, "SQUIRREL!!!!!!!"

Aragog, herself, added to the ludicrosity level in her overly-breathy voice, "I'm so tired, I did ballet for years..." Huh? (Did those years accumulate into this moment?) "I really shouldn't have done those three hours of weights earlier..." What the?? "Is it alright if I develop my arabesque all the way?" OH. MA. HA.

That was it, folks. I nearly drowned with that last one as I collapsed with laughter mid-half-sumberged-jumping-jack. I couldn't handle it anymore. The She-gog discovered my sanity breaking-point today. Between the disgusting pander from the unwashed miscreants of the peanut gallery and the inappropriate moaning and wailing issuing from the inexcusable Mother Rat herself, I lost it... I was thinking, "You're not fooling any of us, skank. If those newly purchased toys were, indeed, real, you'd've mastered the multi-layer encasement by now, just like the rest of us in this class. No flaunting needed." But that seemed a bit cruel, as it was her first day, and all that ballet really seemed to be catching up with her...

No worries. None of it even scathed her. When I left, snorting uncontrollably, she was noisily ranting to a lovely, yet terrified and trapped in the hot-tub, German woman about how her bazungas were actually real, and how they were such a bother when she was eight, having matured early due to all the extra hormones in the mass amounts of cow's milk she'd consumed as a child... And, no, I'm not kidding.

I was rendered speechless all the way home (ask my roommate)! Therefore, I had to get that out there. Whew. In the future, I will try to refrain from posting such horrendous happenings on here. Uh...and, perhaps when I awake tomorrow, Charitable Karen will have rejoined us...

**If the pop-culture laden vernacular bogged you down, might I refer:
FRIENDS, Harry Potter, UP!, and 10 Things I Hate About You (the movie)**

Don't ask.... (just enjoy)

(Yes, this is a fantastically professional photo shoot, replete with the sheets on my bed as the background...awesome. Sorry about the two completely randomly colored photos. The majority are right.)


(Yes, that's John Deere fabric.)

(Yes, that's minkee on the back.)

(Yes, I ended up with too much of the John Deere fabric, so this is the extra receiving blanket.)

Many many many thanks to those who made this possible...
which is pretty much my whole family.

Picking up educational dignitaries...

So, tonight I will head to the SLC airport to pick up a visiting scholar for my department as a PhD student. I'm not nervous about it in anyway. Those who know me, know that just because someone is a dean of whatever at U of Alberta doesn't mean I won't be able to entertain the lady all the way back to Provo. Whatev.

It's the picking up part that threw me a bit. I thought...what am I supposed to do? Stand in the waiting/welcoming area with a paper with her name printed on it like they do in the movies? (Then I had to suppress the overwhelming urge to fake an accent/barely speaking English problem when I see her...) And then, as I printed off the big ol' sign I intend to hold up when I get there tonight, I envisioned one of the funniest thoughts of my week...

I pictured myself standing there, yelling out her name like Bob does when he finally gets off the bus in New Hampshire looking for Dr. Leo Marvin, "Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Lllllllllleeeeeeeeeeoooooooooo Mmmmmmaaaaaaaaarrrrrrvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!" Can you just imagine me yelling her name out like that at the airport?! I started cackling out loud in my cubie, all by my estranged-lookin self. Seriously. Comedy.

And then, I wasted the last 10 minutes searching in vain of a clip of that moment online. BAH. There aren't any. The closest thing I could find was this clip of the moment that follows. Also equally hilarious. As are all the other clips I found....

Holy Hilarious Little Girl...(no pun intended)

Here I sat, trying to figure out what to blog about since it's been a while... Then I clicked on K-Fish's blog and started laughing out loud at work!!! And so, dear friends, I shall pass it along to you. Mostly because I couldn't stop giggling. This chick is entertaining...

The story of Jonah from Corinth Baptist Church on Vimeo.

(PS. Love that her dad (?) is laughing at her in the back.)

HAHAHAHAH. "We've been eating too much...."